A Good Samaritan Butts In

 Originally posted 2/11/2011 on another site and in a different format


I'd been flying high with my online friends and toggling chat rooms doing my best to keep up with everyone.  Yet despite my best intentions, trouble follows me: I don't go looking ... but damn if I don't put my foot into it every time.

I was spelunking through ICU2‘s many subterranean caverns (I go there for the conversation, you know).  I focused on an image all too common at 3AM: one prompting the age-old question, "Is he dead or just passed out?   An icy blond like in a Hitchcock film...if said blond were male, lay naked and sprawled across a chaise looking a bit too icy. With him was a harnessed gentleman quizzically staring at the cam like he'd never seen one.  He had a Euro-stud ethnicity so I pegged him as a foreign diplomat or someone who'd missed out on technology. People were typing questions yet he was unable to communicate back.
Enter Topman: wireless keyboard in hand and wanting merely to help. Or for those who track my blunders: Mistake #4823

Feeling cavalier and not at all compassionate, I suggested that he throw the bright green blanket over the body, and look for Blondie's wallet, valuables, and any financial institution passwords or safe deposit box keys.  I'd hustle down from Hollywood in the meantime and take him out for supper along the beach: if he could find his trousers.   I got a vague stare back. What the fuck had these two been using?  NyQuil PM? Wait! He was blind!
Images of me as Louis Braille flashed before in my mind. Turns out he wasn't blind, for when someone typed that he kiss his Sleeping Beauty, who looked much better now covered,  he readily obeyed, then disappeared off-cam.

I'll be damned if that kiss didn't raise the dead.  As I watched, the blond began to flinch and writhe...like a seizure but in reverse. He must have made plenty of noise, for EuroStud came back: and he and Lazarus turned to the monitor. No longer Mr. Helpful: I was a Crazed Sociopath with typed communication to use as evidence.
I was kidding, really, about stealing anything but that hot man and I grinned sheepishly but the cat was out of the bag. Blondie embraced her man while shooting daggers at me the likes of which I hadn't seen in years. "Thank you so much for helping us in your own little way!" his raspy voice cackled. Smoking?  Whiskey? A relative of Demi Moore?

With that, the cam went off. Another unhappy couple made happy by seeing me as an alternative. I'd never see them again or so, I thought.

A Birthday, An Anniversary, and Gratitude

I'm not sure where this year has gone, but we're in the home stretch. My 49th birthday was this week, and this week marks one full year since I began this blog.  Formerly housed on www.nastykinkpigs.com, the entire blog is now located here.
Another Year, Not My Own
'49' alternately conjures for me 'Gold Miners', San Francisco football, 'My Darling Clementine' and the end of the first half of my life. My mother died at age 47...and how I sweated out that period. I've accomplished so much, and I didn't plan to be here this long. Not because of my health which has been great, but because I thought it was chic to check out at 26 or 27. A few weeks back, I toyed with the idea of ending it, but I couldn't do it. I have two cats that need me, a few dear friends that might miss me, and I have so much writing to do.
Sweet and Low
My birthday was nice and low key. I spent the alone, reflecting.  A friend came by and we had a late supper and he then presented me with an oversized cupcake that I devoured. The following night it was Mexican food with old friends, who I shocked with tales of bachelorhood. Then I went on a binge. These have lasted 2 days max...twice weekly at the most. But they have to stop. It's boredom manifesting as fun...and it will kill me.
Blogging the Blues Away
I began this blog a year ago as a reaction to my own self-broken heart and trying to make logic of all this. How could so many bright, handsome, charming men with excess testosterone and Type A personalities wind up slamming, snorting, huffing, smoking, bumping or eating drugs? And thus, I began to write. And while I have many paths to choose, I don't know which to follow.
Gratitude
I dove into this blog wanting to tell you my thoughts, my experiences, some harmonious, some horrific, and my hope. My hope is that we as a tribe of fractious fraternity, foster bonds with each other to stay strong. I have been so very humbled that only praise and support have come back to me. I thank each and every one of you for your kind words, critiques, support, and quiet grace when I've felt so lost.

Again, I thank you.

Room 4 Rent: but You Can't Afford This Utility

Design for Living
Back when two of my friends and I were all facing unemployment, I proposed this idea to the fourth of our little tribe: "I think we should combine resources. Since Walt and Lou own a 4 bedroom house,  but aren't a couple, Jack and I could move in, pay rent, and set an example for modern economic depression living.
4's Company
Walt and Lou, you see, had a big place with no furniture and a strong demand for a housekeeper. I had the furniture and liked to clean. Jack was adept at fixing anything. We all got along more or less. Walt resented Lou for not being independent, and Walt was always bemoaning the loss of community. I wasn't proposing this be a permanent arrangement, and I was all for legal rental agreements, etc.
Or So I Thought
You'd have thought I'd suggested we 4 share a 1 room cell in a Medieval monastery. Although I actually never got Lou or Jack's reaction. Walt, as defacto head of our circle, refused to even consider it, feeling he had 'one jobless burden on his hands, why triple it?' I suppose personalities also had a bit to do with it. "The only hit that comes out of a Helen Lawson show is Helen Lawson." Walt was very much a Helen Lawson. And despite what you may be thinking, I can blend well into ensemble pieces.
Sharing isn't easy
Flashing forward: Walt, Jack and Lou are part of my past. I didn't need increasingly crabby Walter to nix my idea. I suspect he was more peeved I didn't take the first menial job I could find, but to take time off and write. Skipping ahead, my previous roommate moved out in March and after a great summer doing some needed work around my place and living alone, I began seeking someone to sublet the other room and bath in June: but have yet to find the right fit. This baffles me.  I've tried higher rents, lower rents, furnished, unfurnished, you name it. With one exception.
Amenities abound, save one
Sex with me is not part of the lease. I don't advertise as Wild and Woolly Topman either, but that didn't stop the avalanche of sexually themed inquiries. At first I thought it was a bit odd that I'd get these calls or emails with 'and oh, you'd be free to have sex with me as much as you'd like." But after say, the 30th repeat of this idea, I was tired. One or two even felt they'd be so perfect for me, they could live here free...as my sex slave. Did I likey?
All bills paid
I don't likey. I likey rent money. This is about sharing living expenses in an increasingly unrealistic city to live in. I don't need a best friend, man Friday or wacky sidekick. Why should such a basic need become a 3 month process?
Neither Mr. Lonely Nor Mr. Perfect
So, knowing that it was going to turn into sex on my dining room table, I played along with one of these faux renters. He was charmed by the place, found our conversation stimulating and.....I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't heard it; 'scintillating'.
Well, that type of flattery led us to being naked, he atop the table and me doing what I do best, which isn't carving the turkey. Alas, his mind was elsewhere: like most bottoms one top is never enough, he was dreaming of 9 more like me, that is if the others were black and prone to violence. Turned off, I stopped, left him watching porn for an hour alone, and returned only to signal that it was time he left. "You know," he purred, "When you have your next sex party, I'd be glad to serve as a monitor." I bet that looks good on an application.
Single White Male Still Seeks...Sane or a clever actor for Share
My ex had a Tupperware party to raise money for charity once, but despite my bachelorhood, sex parties just aren't congruent with my grandmother's wing back chairs, the wall of books, my uncle's silver service or my friendly yet attention demanding cats. So, the search continues.

Stepping Out Suddenly Got Easier

As I have often stated, I spent 44 years of my life figuring out who 'I' was, to no success. Now, having had most all the support network removed, withdrawn or shattered, I am coming to some not so attractive conclusions about myself. At least now I can address them.

Hypocritical Critic
I very much have a double standard. I can trick around, but that's just horniness not love. YET, I would not want my partner or wife to do the same. I like women to be strong minded, but also feminine and demure, not slutty or tacky. I like men to be masculine but above all a sense of fun and some smarts.

For Couples Only
I have learned that each couple has their own standards (or should) have regarding tricking, affairs, opposite sex attractions.
I tend to get many halves of a couple gracing my door, but I no longer have a lecture ready. It's your relationship, you can muck it up or make it work however you see fit.
In some cases, an association with me has gotten couples BACK together. I truly am a miracle worker.

The Camino: One for my baby, and one for the road

Meanwhile, things grew stranger: 

I'm backlogged on posting.Time keeps moving faster. And just a lot of weirdness has permeated the air. My blog is now up and running on Blogger.
Blogger is very user friendly and easy to format. The blog program here combined with my Firefox browser, hindered me in many ways. The social networking classes and seminars I attended over the summer were united in one aspect: WordPress was by far the most recommended.

Let me put it this way: WordPress was rammed down my throat, but for what I'm doing, which is telling stories about me, I don't need much sophistication to blog . I need an EZ-in EZ-post venue. I'm not making any head way on full time work.

Listening to me bemoan the lack of good jobs, a Skype friend...suggested I become a janitor. Stunned at this idea, I recited from a movie trivia book: "Even when she playing a waif, everything about Audrey Hepburn breathed money." My friend threw his hands in the air and logged off.

I may not 'breathe' money, but I know I burn through it more quickly than most. Audrey didn't play a janitor and neither will I. But Audrey didn't have to consider the possibility that home is a refrigerator box under the 101 Freeway. I wonder at times, how it all was coming down to this.

So, its getting spooky around here...Armed robberies are way up in the hood. Why? Because we live in lousy economic times with no clear picture that its getting better. The dozen or so clubs in Hollywood close at 2AM when drunk, high or emotional patrons flood the streets and thieves are following the clubgoers. The crime index for Hollywood is triple digits higher than the city average.

And, just when I thought I was done with 'endings', the large apartment building behind me has been vacated entirely. Not only was my stalker gone, but the guy on the top floor who'd been there 20 years. That building, and almost all the others like it around the block, are under new ownership. They'e being gutted and remodeled.

I had recommeded to my ex reading Shirley MacLaine's The Camino. This was about her journey along the mystical magical pathway that crosses Spain. I was planning to see the actual Camino, as part of a journey to Madrid, but chose Milwaukee instead.

The Camino was due back to the Hollywood branch library soon, and my ex couldn't stand the book. However, I kind of liked it, but for some odd reason, well, the reason was to save time, I began skimming backward in my reading.
That's right, about halfway along the Camino, I jumped to the end and worked backwards. And: I felt a whole number of coincidentals seemingly fall in to place.

According to Shirley, before Atlantis, there was Lemuria, a land of harmony, united souls and collective bargaining...make that collective thinking. They used crystals for healing, and many other good things.
And then Atlantis evolved, I suppose, and united souls were now male and female, no longer connected and growing self centered. And ultimately that became the selfish ego that would cost the Atlanteans their advanced world.

Wasn't this also the plot of Forbidden Planet? Monsters from the Id.
And this all about change. Resistance to , resigning oneself to , embracing.
....and I continued my rationalizations. And in my bookbag I had an eclectic combination of titles:

The Camino by Shirley MacLaine, Ask Your Guides, by Sonia Choquette, Eckhart Tolle, and my spiral notebook.

Could the mysterious world of Lemuria which gave way to Atlantis, find its dependence upon crystal energies were causing a different reaction than historically had happened. These events migh destroy the culture of Atlantis, and it would take a thousand plus years to have found a synthetic replacement for crystal: once used- changed, subverted, altered.

What did it all mean? Did it mean anything?

Appearance So Deceptive

I suppose after 4 years of this nonsense called addiction, I'd be a little more savvy when it comes to 'reading' people. I must say my intuitive skills have sharpened, maybe because so many of us go through the same stuff at different times but eventually we all wind up there.
All of us who consider ourselves talented administrators have no longer been able to hit ourselves with precision. My remedy for my banged up arms?  Rest, water, Neosporin, Vitamin E oils and TLC.

Thus again, I found myself chattering away with a talented younger man down in Orange County. That alone should have stopped me. With few exceptions, and very few, I have not had much luck with OC hookups. Once more  that theory was proven as this 28 year old, who pursued me to no end merely wanted to fulfill some stupid wanking fantasy.
As is the case, he was deleted, unfriended and I sent him a letter. 'Don't take it so personal,' I'm told, but I'm not leaving without telling the person what they did wrong.
And for those of you reading this: Don't ever fake interest in someone just to get your rocks off. We can handle rejection but I for one don't do well with liars.

More on the Simple Life

There are few things that will cause a Type A controlling obsessive perfectionist with a ridiculously high Stanford Binet number to almost kick a wall, door...my first choice would be to punch someone...something...but I can't type with a broken hand. Besides, I've just repaired my fucked up Internet Connection/IP conflict/which was one part faulty driver had to be uninstalled, another part antivirus program gone rabid, and a large part I created in my attempt to clear out old files.

Hey! At least I fuck up my own computers....I'd never lay a tweaked thumb upon someone else's PC. It was last about this time last year that I had a meltdown when my desktop melted down, and help came from my supposed 'arch-rival' in the Windy City.
Yes, ye olde Love Triangle...its creation and fuel driven by The Man we both were fighting over....which we weren't.  There's a reason soap operas were always set in the Midwest. One year later, my hard drive is hard as it can be, my Tech Angel I understand, has come west to pursue artistic endeavors....and that Big Ox we both weren't head over heels about....he's enjoying the alone time he so very much wanted I suppose. 
Well, maybe I was a bit light in my loafers. If he wanted to be alone....I live in Hollywood..I should get the Garbo dialogue....I would have gladly taken the younger boy (not by much was he younger either) out for a screening of 'Les Diaboliques'...the original: where the wife and the mistress combine forces and dispose of their ox 8 feet under. 

It was my most recent triangle that REALLY burned my bundt cake. I had one half of a couple (yes, the other half was clueless as to the amateur Chemist in his life. This was the start of my internet problems, and we couldn't coordinate a cam session...thus making Louis Pasteur IV a tad miffed. Which made me get really grumpy, and I remarked I'd rather have conversation with a clueless chump vs another performance as the Ham Who Slams...Shazzam!
My ill-fated cyber dartist replied...."I'm used to the fact that guys who use meth are just losers who can't do anything social but party."  (I have ordered a full length mirror with magnifier for this deluded soul to re-acquaint himself),
Not one to just end the call, I advised him that dismissing everyone based on a shared hobby/addiction/character flaw was harsh, that I value the friendships (and some of the clashes) I've found here and putting a negative label, just starts the old spin cycle of demonizing. Nope. Not buying today.
I apparently knocked some sense into him...although his next comment made me groan: "If you lived here, I'd date you!". I'm in love with the idea of love, but I like(in theory) for my men and I to disagree....vehemently....disliking each other immensely on sight....not knowing of course this is indeed true love.

How's that for supercalifuckedupthinkingespeciallysinceItoldyou? Yet, I think it's an key element of my charm.

Simple is Simpler said Slamming Simpson

I took a number of social networking and personal branding seminars during the spring. Personal branding....that's why I keep dragging this Topman name with me. There may be other tops...but a Top who Blogs as much as he bangs?
The key lesson in all these classes is that anyone who's blogging, Facebook friendly, tweeting or posting videos on You Tube, X Tube or TubeSteakTuba needs to be 'authentic'...meaning as honest as you can without sounding like you live in a Planter's Mixed Nuts can. And that means ease of operations. Word Press was a bit deluxe, and I'm a snob...being from pretentious Big D and living in Hollywood for ever. But I'm not a literary snob. Give me a good story, without rubbing my nose in how clever the author uses his writer's toolbox.

So, with that intro, expect to see concurrent posts from NKP for the time being.  And thanks for following me.