The players and the playing field change.
In 2 hours I should be on a plane heading east. Tonight I feel panicky: foolish and forlorn when I should feel the opposite. The clock keeps ticking. I've not packed. The greatest guy in the world bought me the ticket and though I don't know him that well, I decided 'why not' accept his kindness.
I'm so very tired of Death and the loss of friends. I've grown very weary of the ongoing theatrics continuously being played out around me by the living. I handled some of these better than others and there were a few that I didn't handle well at all.
Teddy I had made plans for dinner two weeks ago and we'd discussed going to the LA County Fair. I waited and waited but Teddy didn't show up. Nor did he call. Ordinarily I'd been pacing the floor convinced he'd been in an accident: that's how I used to be wired. I'm sorry to report I've changed. That doesn't mean I wasn't worried. I didn't pursue calling Teddy the following week about the Fair, since he failed to follow through on dinner. Tonight of course, he logged into Skype and after the customary greetings I told him I was disappointed he blew me off. He stated he'd had lot of problems that he had to resolve. Don't we all? Somehow I thought that's where friends got together and supported each other. But I didn't feel like giving Theodore a lesson in etiquette.
I was not quite as kind on my iPhone to Swing Time Slammer. He and his partner were going to be in town for the weekend. The partner who is clueless as to Swing's overstimulated sex drive and the fuel that powers it. It's none of my business what spoken or unspoken agreements Swing has made. But when Swing made the of telling me I needed new 'friends who weren't pointers'.
In elementary school I was the smartest kid from a wealthy family. But I was lousy at team sports, wore glasses, had bucked teeth , painfully shy and because my mother had drilled 'walk away from a fight' into me, got picked on and thus cried a lot (tender-hearted, my mother always said) One recess period, I wandered to the edge of the playground, where the Special Education kids were. I didn't quite fit in there either, but I never was asked to leave. I found acceptance.
I fell down into the rabbit hole of PNP with the idea that everyone was middle-aged, Caucasian, educated, affluent and were gentlemen who played fair. That didn't prove to be entirely true but with few exceptions I found acceptance. I've been humbled many times by the kindness of strangers and I've tried to give back in return. More and more I find myself wondering if my lifestyle is to much of a distraction from moving forward. Yet I imagine walking away and leaving the friends I treasure and sorrow fills me. I've said goodbye to so many people in life. Yet, others have walked away. It's a personal choice in the end.
I felt hypocrisy in Swing's statement. And a future vision of he rejecting me because of one aspect of my life. How many others would too? Feeling trapped and torn between decisions, I became hysterical and collapsed sobbing on the floor of my bedroom. So much so that my cat came in and began circling, meowing. How blessed to have consolation from another living being at such a dark hour.
Swing doesn't know how very sad I felt about cracking up in his presence, because I typically don't allow that side of me to be seen. I have since apologized. Swing has a good heart and soul. And he is a pointer.
I have to get on that flight.
In 2 hours I should be on a plane heading east. Tonight I feel panicky: foolish and forlorn when I should feel the opposite. The clock keeps ticking. I've not packed. The greatest guy in the world bought me the ticket and though I don't know him that well, I decided 'why not' accept his kindness.
I'm so very tired of Death and the loss of friends. I've grown very weary of the ongoing theatrics continuously being played out around me by the living. I handled some of these better than others and there were a few that I didn't handle well at all.
Teddy I had made plans for dinner two weeks ago and we'd discussed going to the LA County Fair. I waited and waited but Teddy didn't show up. Nor did he call. Ordinarily I'd been pacing the floor convinced he'd been in an accident: that's how I used to be wired. I'm sorry to report I've changed. That doesn't mean I wasn't worried. I didn't pursue calling Teddy the following week about the Fair, since he failed to follow through on dinner. Tonight of course, he logged into Skype and after the customary greetings I told him I was disappointed he blew me off. He stated he'd had lot of problems that he had to resolve. Don't we all? Somehow I thought that's where friends got together and supported each other. But I didn't feel like giving Theodore a lesson in etiquette.
I was not quite as kind on my iPhone to Swing Time Slammer. He and his partner were going to be in town for the weekend. The partner who is clueless as to Swing's overstimulated sex drive and the fuel that powers it. It's none of my business what spoken or unspoken agreements Swing has made. But when Swing made the of telling me I needed new 'friends who weren't pointers'.
In elementary school I was the smartest kid from a wealthy family. But I was lousy at team sports, wore glasses, had bucked teeth , painfully shy and because my mother had drilled 'walk away from a fight' into me, got picked on and thus cried a lot (tender-hearted, my mother always said) One recess period, I wandered to the edge of the playground, where the Special Education kids were. I didn't quite fit in there either, but I never was asked to leave. I found acceptance.
I fell down into the rabbit hole of PNP with the idea that everyone was middle-aged, Caucasian, educated, affluent and were gentlemen who played fair. That didn't prove to be entirely true but with few exceptions I found acceptance. I've been humbled many times by the kindness of strangers and I've tried to give back in return. More and more I find myself wondering if my lifestyle is to much of a distraction from moving forward. Yet I imagine walking away and leaving the friends I treasure and sorrow fills me. I've said goodbye to so many people in life. Yet, others have walked away. It's a personal choice in the end.
I felt hypocrisy in Swing's statement. And a future vision of he rejecting me because of one aspect of my life. How many others would too? Feeling trapped and torn between decisions, I became hysterical and collapsed sobbing on the floor of my bedroom. So much so that my cat came in and began circling, meowing. How blessed to have consolation from another living being at such a dark hour.
Swing doesn't know how very sad I felt about cracking up in his presence, because I typically don't allow that side of me to be seen. I have since apologized. Swing has a good heart and soul. And he is a pointer.
I have to get on that flight.
1 comment:
I don't know you well but I think your cat and her (his) caring is more important than the casual cruelty of our friends. I hope you and your friend have a wonderful nasty time.
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