Not Just Any Doppelganger Will Do

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Weekend's End

...it poured rain all day Saturday, heavy, hard, and I had to go out in the middle of it as I'd not done my errands Friday. Woodsy and Norman were armed with four sharps containers to drop off at a Walgreen's in the Desert for recycling:  I've had those under the counter for 2 years now. I refuse to go to a needle exchange....simple as that is to do. It's making a statement I don't want to deal with.

Last night they came back, and while I'd not planned to see them: Woodsy had made it clear than he wouldn't commit to anything but last Thursday's dinner, nor did I want to rain on his parade and weasel myself into their plans. But Norman called and asked if I'd eaten dinner. I hadn't, so we went out for spaghetti.  We had a quick, delicious supper and I walked them to their car. I didn't cry, I didn't make a scene. I just said goodbye.

Then I went upstairs and went on a binge. I cammed most of the night away, taking a few breaks but mostly roaming cyberspace: lonesome, depressed, and empty.  I had five minutes alone with Woodsy and that was it. Well, what would I have done if I'd had five hours?

They are now gone, and I somehow need to get back to my life. I have a substance abuse problem that is keeping me from moving ahead, and any stress literally unnerves me.

I am so happy for Woodsy. I am not though, unhappy about my life. I can only start fresh tomorrow. I have dinner plans tomorrow night, a trip to Long Beach Friday and perhaps a date Friday night.

I'm moving forward.

Palm Springs Weekend

Their flight arrived on time, and they made excellent time up to my place at the base of the hills. I barely had time to finish cleaning my apartment, reject almost every item of clothing in my closet...WHY didn't I buy something, anything NEW? before, knock knock, they were here.

They were dressed like Midwestern tourists on vacation: shorts and tee shirts. I was in Ralph Lauren. Mr. Nice Guy was nice, and Woodsy was beaming. He should: here's two cute guys both nuts about him. But he only had eyes for Norman.

Then, my business partner, who I expected to come by later, came by earlier with some paperwork for me to sign. He's straight, and has had the misfortune to listen to me whine about Woodsy for two years now. He was in and out in half an hour. Next, the lovely musician who sublets my guest room arrived home, and the  travelers went down the street to their hotel for the night.

Oh yes, there had been much fuss made about a three-way, but Hell would freeze over before I would make that mistake.  What I needed was a 'George'. Rupert Everett's character to Julia Roberts' in My Best Friend's Wedding, but no George appeared to help me.

We had a delicious supper…I devoured the first steak I've had in years. And a Cosmopolitan. And a tossed salad. It was yummy, and my choice of restaurant (old school hollywood)was a hit.

They dropped me off at home, and would be heading to Palm Springs the next morning. It had become quite the anticlimactic showdown.

I went upstairs and straight to bed. I wasn't sad, numb or relieved. I simply 'was'.

After Our Cat Fight, We Luncheoned in the 5th floor Tea Room

With only a couple of days before arriving in Los Angeles, Woodsy's boyfriend, Norman Nicely emailed and asked if we needed to talk.

I didn't want to talk.  I wanted Norman to get lost, disappear, sprain his pinkie...anything, so that I could have one evening with Woodsy alone.

Yet, I can't resist an advance meeting. I might get some inkling of weakness, so if needed, I'd know where to plant my teeth.

Unfortunately, Mr. Nicely doesn't seem to have a weak spot. And so, Confrontation: Hollywood Style was set.

I'd written him an e-mail...all full of sturm und drang about ancient history that needed no rehashing (he can just read these blogs). So, trying to look calm, cool and collected, I pushed the Skype call button.

After 49 years of  living, the last 4 years including chemical chicanery, I've been having great insights into how my mind works. My views on sex. love, relationships, and who can lay claim to who are at the minimum, archaic, childish and prudish.
Woodsy, Norman and most likely a majority of the world population are far more relaxed than I ever could be. Mr. Nicely didn't see how he could be my rival, being a total bottom. Gosh, that means Woodsy has to be on top...and that made me chuckle. 

I can fuck anyone I set my sights on. I'm not being sarcastic, either. Wake up,  you self centered bottoms.  I do not need to fuck your ass.
Where i feel threatened by Norman Nicely is regarding matters of the heart. No surprise that when I told him this, he reacted like a cuddly ball of fur that suddenly rolls itself out flat and s in fact a rabid mink or a creature with fangs. I managed to keep composure, but many things Mr. Nicely said weren't so nice. For the first time ever in my life, I was too tired to play this game. We finished our chat, and I went back to my work.

*********

Woodsy called me 2 hours later. He is eager to get to the Coast.  Norman Nicely, the guilty huss, couldn't wait for Woodsy to figure out we'd talked. Not wanting to get into particulars, I managed to steer Woodsy away briefly, but then he barked: 'Norman says you have a crush on me...'

AFTER TWO YEARS, the message NOW sinks in?
Before I could reply with those exact words,  Woodsy, as diplomatic as an Atomic Bomb, continued,  'when are you going to get over me? This is like high school.'

I was speechless. Not only had my romantic interest been graded as Suitable For Sweet Valley High, I was being told to 'get over it' by him.

I managed to say, 'Fine. we won't call it a crush. Would you like to hear what it really is?'

Woodsy must have a spark of intuition that advised him to Stop Talking Now. And he did, for a minute, but then continued,
'Why me? I'm nobody special."
I thought that was the most honest statement he's spoken, and a key to what a good man he can be.  However, me, being me, remained silent. For about 30 seconds.

'I don't know why, and I wish to God I didn't.' I snapped instead.  (I don't help myself in these matters, do I?

Woodsy and Norman Nicely have known each other for a couple of years, I may have mentioned. Woodsy gave me insight into Norman’s backstory. My little problems are nothing compared to his struggles and Woodsy has been supportive.
Norman is not some boarding school trust fund baby nor is he an Orphan of the Storm. ....ironically those two phrases describe me.  It didn't matter. There was a cheer and a lightness to Woodsy's voice that I hadn't heard in a long time. And I knew then that I had lost the war.
Woodsy was head over heels in love with Norman Nicely

There was nothing I could do to change that. I face defeat pretty well--- especially when it's staring me in the face... in fact, I was devastated. And in less than 48 hours, they'd be in my living room.

I Thought It Was Skinny & Sweet!

It was about a year and a few months back when this news traveled by smoke signals and tom-tom swift as a Santa Ana wind in Los Angeles. A group of hot men gathered for a night of heavy partying, including, it was said speedballing. One man died, but the others failed to notice he was dead....for 12 hours. 

When they figured it out, the did what I suppose any one might do, except you or me: they took his wallet, car and went on a shopping spree either in Santa Monica, Beverly Hills, or cyberspace  depending on your taste in fraud, using HIS credit cards. Think about that at your next after-hours Lions Club meeting.

Speedballing, I learned is the combination of Cocaine and Heroin: a high and a downer that when injected, and combine can cause, I'm told a really freaky state of mind...if you don't die first. We could ask John Belushi, River Phoenix, Chris Farley, Jean-Michel Basquiat, or porn star Joey Stefano...if we had a Ouija Board. All were casualties of speedballs. Dangerous combinations.

Now, I wasn't hosting a Murder by Meth Mystery Party, nor was I combining pharmaceuticals and trying to become the next Louis Pasteur.  Nor did I intend to O.D.Friday.... or Almost O.D. You read that right. Overdose.

I'm such a perfectionist, I can't believe I even had the nerve to put 'Almost'.

On the other hand, if I'd succeeded, you'd be getting this blog via Ouija Board. Assuming my body had been found. Ugh.

In fact, killing myself was the last thing on my mind. My mother overdosed on Seconal: accidentally…and I mean really. It was 1975 and my father had come home from another of his many hospital stays with this big bottle of these Red-Hots Candy looking capsules. And my mother, who preferred to deal with life by sleeping through it, swallowed a bunch of them (one memory I'm glad I don't retain) and perhaps, she just didn't associate death-by-barbituates with Margaret Sullavan, Marilyn, Judy, Inger Stevens or Janis Joplin, so she went sleepwalking towards the Valley of the Shadow of the Dolls, I hope fearing no evil. But I've carried the guilt ever since, because I've lived my life as I wanted, not the life she had planned.
Guilt, perhaps: regrets, never.

By the way, I found out that Seconal, Nembutal, Tuinal are relics of another era. Benzodiazepines like Valium and Librium replaced them.  Ambien and Klonopin are the meds many are mad about today. And I don't mean 'mad' as in 'angry'.

No, this renegade's almost trip across the River Styx happened almost in a Heath Ledger/perhaps Whitney Houston type scenario. I was in post-party recovery mode after a heavy 24 hour marathon,  taking my multi vitamins, when I decided I'd pop a 5-HTP tablet to make sure I didn't go into one of my rare cry my a river-i feel so lost and directionless jags. Pro-active was re-active in this case.

Now, there's something else could have triggered the extreme stomach cramps, nausea, vomiting, dizziness, etc that I felt. I don't think so though.  At first I blamed it on my Friday fried fish lunch. Or that lousy tasting cole slaw that was on the side. Or, the apple pie I had for dessert. Or the extreme heat of the day. Or the disappointment that I wasn't going to have Woodsy to myself when he came to town next week.

As it so happens, I had recently read a posting about 'Serotonin Toxicity' aka 'Serotonin Syndrome''....which meaning, too much of a good thing can kill you. And the worst possible combination: Speed I slammed plus the 5-HTP I swallowed could have killed me. My saving grace? I'd been putting food into my body, hydrating, and stretched on my bed in pain beyond belief, one of my cats kept swishing his tail in my face, making it impossible to nod off.

This is as good as time as any to plug a couple of my favorite resources for all things drug related.
Bluelight is an outstanding forum...to post questions you must register. Do that.

Reviewing Harm Reduction never caused anyone to miss the next shuttle launch.

I happened upon a site dedicated to the Rave and Club Drug scene:  Dance Safe.

It is everyone's responsibility to look out for one's self. If you can watch your brother's back too; God Bless You. Brother Man, however, has to look out for himself first also though. The days of carrying excess weight are no more.

A Few Facts About Methamphetamines

It's been awhile since I relayed some good information on harm reduction: I found this worth my reading time, and I suggest you bookmark it for later or take a few minutes to review.

These are some factors that determine how long it takes for your system to be clean.

Amount Ingested 
The more of the drug you ingest, the longer it takes your body to get rid of it. 

Frequency of Use 
Continued use over a period of time or using more often increases your intake amount, this slows down the time it takes for your body to process it out. 

Tolerance Levels 
If you're using meth every day, it will accumulate in your body. Over time, it will take longer for your system to release it. Heavy meth addicts have the longest detection time on drug tests. 

Metabolism Rate 
Your metabolism is what processes everything that comes into your body. Some people will metabolize the drug from their system faster than others do. Your metabolism rate depends on many factors such as your body size, age and health, as well as water and food intake. 

Body Mass 
The bigger you are, the longer it takes for the drug to get out of your system. How long it takes meth to clear they system for each exact body size is still undetermined. 

Age 
Your age affects many bodily functions such as your metabolism rate and its ability to release toxins, such as methamphetamine quickly from your body. 

Health 
If you're in good physical health, your bodily functions probably are too and can quickly process toxins. If you are in poor health, it may take longer for your body to recognize the toxins and then clear them from your body. 

Method of Use 
The way that you ingest meth also has to do with how long your body holds on to it. If you inject it, it goes straight into your bloodstream; this gives you the fastest high. It may give you lesser processing time to get out your system. When the drug is smoked or swallowed, it takes a longer time to enter your bloodstream; this will add time to how long the meth stays in your system. 


Now the cleansing process
Depending on how much fluid and how fast your body excretes it will determine how long it stays in your system. Methamphetamine is "water soluble" and so the more water you drink and the more you urinate and sweat the faster it is out of your system. Drink lots of cranberry juice and lots of water also take antioxidants.



Body odor and the smell of meth coming out of your system
This is due to a couple of factors or situations but the same prevention can be taken. When a person uses meth for an extended amount of time usually they do not take care of their health very well especially since eating is no longer a normal part of life nor is sleep. Lack of nutrition and fatigue play a major part in your body odor, your body will start to pump out the toxins through your skin which at times smell anywhere from ammonia, metallic, chlorine, onions and various other disagreeable scents.

Precautions to minimize body odor and aid your bodies general health.
There are quite a few things that meth hammers in your body that should be addressed but I'll cover just a few quickly to address the odor issue. Take multivitamins while you are using, and take additional amounts of Vitamins B-Complex (bad breath) and B-12 (body odor).

Also buy mouthwash that is specifically formulated for "Dry Mouth" it will state this on the label, follow the directions (1 minute 2 times a day shouldn't be hard). These mouth washes are formulated for individuals who in fact suffer from dry mouth or take medications that cause dry mouth which is constantly labeled as "Meth Mouth" by the media, when in fact there are over 1000 prescription and OTC medications that cause the same condition that meth does by stopping the production of saliva.

Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner (but Baby)

What I had intended to post was this:


Woodsy, aka Mr. Big Woods, fed up with the lack of true winter weather is flying (via airplane) to the West Coast. He is arriving next Wednesday and I can't wait to see him. My spirits had been down and this perked me up.

The above is still true..sort of

He's going to Palm Springs- (no, I wasn't invited to join him: no, I did not want to go: and no, I am not upset...well, I wasn't). Woodsy has every right to enjoy himself on his own time and dime. He has mentioned numerous times that he hasn't been in years and that he wanted to visit, which I interpreted as Un Vacanzo O Solo Mio. Remember there is no romance here: and even if there was, I'm not so stupid as to lay down a bunch of rules, nor wheedle my way into joining him.

Not wanting to hear he'd cancelled his trip, I steered away from the subject on our semi-regular phone calls. Until today, when he I mentioned his Wednesday arrival, he told me that due to work, he'd changed it to Thursday....."and we get in around 6pm"

I should appreciate the fact that he's not shipping Mr. Nicely onward to the desert, so we can secretly philander here in The Wicked City. Mr. Nicely, you may recall, and I have talked (unlike the mysterious boy of Woodsy’s two seasons ago, who I never talked to, never saw a picture of, and who I kept calling him by my cat's name.....why I don't know. 

But this, of course threw a wrench into the banana daiquiri of this Monkey's Bar-B-Q.  No need to have the movie we both like prepped in the DVD player, nor the soundtrack to the disaster of a movie we both like on the gramophone, nor do I know need to buy new sheets, a new wardrobe, nor have the rugs cleaned.

If ever there was any doubt as to the absence of romance between Woodsy and I, this turn of events was the stake in the heart. And Mr. Norman Nicely is such an unflappable guy, I can't even cook up a nefarious plan to split them up: that is, if their relationship wasn't solid as I am sure it is. Or, at the least,  have a big confrontation  scene. 

And that leaves me with nothing: except facing my old nemesis: reality.